Everything I Learned

If I squinted, it looked like I was moving to paradise with my soul mate to start a new life in the first days of this millennium. In my no- bullshit- core, I knew I was fleeing the failure of my second marriage and the belief that I could never be truly loved. Or maybe, it was I could only be cared for by people that were equal parts damaged neediness and love (in other words, effed up).

Either way, I am grateful to the city of San Diego for hosting me during my transformation. I arrived here in a state of desperation over a decade ago and was almost immediately dumped by said soul mate (we will henceforth refer to him as Dog Of Satan) and thus tricked into the huge task of losing these beliefs and finding peace.

Many other things were lost in the process besides the “mostly” married guy: a dying guy, third husband, father, dog, poverty, small fortune, bunch of cool furniture, 30 pounds, a lot of fear and shame (not all of it, I continue to struggle with wearing shorts unless it is surface-of-the-sun hot and getting steady work).

It has taken almost the entire ten, but I am putting the finishing touches on it now…

Here is what I’ve learned:

Nobody saves or changes anyone.

Sometimes, you get lucky and show up at the exact right time to witness it.

Be a cheerleader! Keep the skirt- it may come in handy.

It is condescending to believe you know more than another adult about THEIR life and should even try to change them.

Yes, this includes most raging substance abusers (I am a magnet for politically conservative alcoholics that live lives of quiet desperation; that, and closet homosexuals). All you can do is lead by example. Such bad news, I know.

Love by definition is unconditional.

If you are withholding approval, support or affection contingent on anything your mate, friend or family member does, ask yourself, what is really going on and why are they messing with your agenda.

Which leads right into…

Children are to be loved not lived for or through.

AND

You should do your level best to have children with people you love so much that if you find out you can’t, your mate’s presence is consolation enough and you’re sustained by looking forward to a future with JUST them.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR because LOVE and TALENT have no seniority (chew on this a second) however, it is just. You will get out everything you put in and more.

AND more…

It is unkind and probably unchristian to have expectations of other people when it pertains to your needs, wants and preferences. Ask politely a couple of times, after that, it is on you how to handle these things to make sure you’re fulfilled.

Everyone has a story they tell themselves to explain why they are not who they could be.

Proofread only your own.

My parents (and probably yours) did the best their psychology, cosmology and mythology would allow. When you lose one, it hurts like hell; even a challenging one (especially a challenging one).

You will never take the pounds off, until you take the weight off.

Things never go back to the way they were, the good old days or normal. They never go back PERIOD. They’re not supposed to. Keep moving forward no matter how slow the speed.

The best relationships are totally symbiotic. Sometimes you’re Helen Keller and sometimes you’re Annie Sullivan. It really doesn’t matter. Commit to being useful.

Karma is pitiless.

AND

Everything is an answer to a prayer.

A decision made in fear is a bad decision.

There is a difference between thoughtful cautiousness born of a good conventional upbringing (I did not have the benefit of this) and trying to preempt terror (I did lot’s of this).

There is such a thing as BACK ASSWARDS- it is real, common and HOW I have lived much of my life…

PS- I’ve leaned a lot of other things in my ten years at the WHY?, but these were the hardest lessons and include tons of hilarious hand wringing, banging of the head and finally walking through invisible walls of not-good-enough.

 

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